A Return. To what exactly? I'm not sure. Maybe it's the desire to create, to immerse myself in something other than the utterly dull existence of eat, work, sleep, repeat. Even Netflix isn't doing it these days. No. It's as if something is missing. Some piece of the puzzle isn't there, and I'm filling the void with an unhealthy amount of depressive sleep. Could it be that I haven't done anything useful with my time for so long, that I've forgotten how to be artistic? the inspiration to write and record new music hits me like a tidal wave from time to time, but not nearly as much as it did just a few years ago. And what exactly do I do with the songs I record anyway? Listen to them for my own enjoyment, like a companion speaking my words in my own voice to comfort myself? How narcissistic can one be?
On one hand, I do have enough resources to get myself out there and play shows again. But at what cost? Run the risk of touring and not seeing my family? In that light, it's not worth it to me, not being there for my kids. Sacrifice? Maybe. Worth it? Most definitely. I find myself trying to gravitate toward more logical, yet attainable ideals. I mean, it seems as though the comic book store is my only means of getting away from my head, at least an hour a week.
Still, I feel like there's more out there waiting for me. Music is all well and good, but as we all know, music today isn't what it was a few years ago. The industry has changed so much, not only am I unsure I could even make it in that world anymore, I'm not sure I would want to. To begin, nobody even buys albums anymore. Everything's digital. I refuse to pay storage fees, and share a cut of profits from anything earned to a server site or other 3rd party host. Fine print also states that anything submitted then becomes the intellectual property of said entity. Which I completely disagree with. Deal with me directly, and I'll distribute myself. With all proceeds going to me and my family you greedy dicks.
Plus, doesn't it seem kinda douchey to say "Yeah, I'm a musician" or "I'm in a band." I mean, yechh. Back in my day, that was such a cool thing to say. (At least in my head) Then again, maybe wisdom does come with age, and I'm finally realizing all the stupidity I've surrounded myself with for so many years.
Still, I'm aimlessly searching for something. To find myself? To find Hope? Whatever it is, it has me scratching my head late at night, making me wonder what it is I'm here to do and when I'll find my true meaning.
Mid-life crisis? hope not. That would imply that my life is almost over. To that I say there's no way.
Why all of a sudden am I thinking this way? I mean, I do have a dead-end job but at least it's paying the bills. Could that be it? I don't want to spend the rest of my days stuck in some low level, menial job that affects my health, and punishes those who crave diversity and anyone who speaks their mind with an intelligent manner.
That's a conversation unto itself to which I can speak for hours.
New baby on the way? Partly. Maybe. It's one thing to look at someone without kids and judge. "Who do they think they are?" "They don't know what they're missing" "Don't tell people with kids how to raise them when you don't have any of your own."
It's another thing to look at other parents and judge that as well.
It's an entirely different thought process to think about, when you have a 3 year old, and one on the way. It's exciting news, yet terrifying at the same time. Can I do it again? will I ever sleep again? Is my piece of shit job enough to support another life? How will I divide my attention and love evenly and yet remain happily married or sane? Another little person in this world means taking care of business. How can I teach success, if I'm not living the embodiment of success? And what defines success? money? Companionship? Love? To a certain degree I guess I am successful, but when it comes to raising kids, I believe that your level of success in your own mind remains unfulfilled because you always want to prove more to your kids. You get to be an embodiment of everything great in a grand scale through their eyes. Which makes failure hurt twice as much.
Over-analysing? I'm certain of it. But it's not as though I can pull the curtain over my eyes and ignore it. Why? I dunno.
Mortality has become an even bigger issue since the car accident. It's been nearly 3 months and I still can't get in a vehicle, driver OR passenger without hesitation, and anxiety issues. It gets to the point where I find myself nauseous and dizzy anytime I see a car out of place. Will that ever subside? I sure hope so. I'm not clutching the handle on the passenger side as much as I was. Although I still don't like the idea of cars anymore. The snow doesn't help either. 12 years. 12 whole years, and not one accident, traffic incident, speeding ticket, etc. Then, one day some idiot blindly t bones you, and your world falls apart. You start thinking just how much time do I have left? I'm glad my pregnant wife and small child weren't in the car.
I come to think of it as a blessing. I got hit so they wouldn't have to. I sacrificed myself to keep them home and safe. It's the only logical explanation.
Then again...A blessing from whom? or what? maybe it was all coincidence? Whatever it was, has sent me into a turmoil of manic mood-swings, depression, anxiety, and spite.
Maybe I just need a voice. A way to carry out these despicable thoughts, with someone to listen and tell me that it's going to be okay. It's hard to speak when you're the only one listening. Spoilers: I know how it ends. People don't quite understand, and I can't say that it's pure ignorance or lack of empathy. I think people hear without listening. Most others are only concerned with themselves and their own mistakes or problems. Who knows? Maybe they've been where I am before, and gave up when nobody would listen to them?
Everybody has their own void to fill I suppose. It's hard to make time for anyone else when you're buried neck deep in your own issues. I guess it's a good thing I remembered about this blog thing. Eventually, I'd like to turn this sort of thing into a podcast. But without a solid theme, who would care to listen? If you've read this far, congrats. Thanks for choosing to spend your time with me. I enjoy the company. Somewhat.
I'm going to try and explain this as best as I can without sounding like a complete loon. I was browsing the internet, researching a topic for a book I was thinking of writing when your blog kept popping up in the search. The first time I saw it, I clicked on it. But then - not gonna lie - I saw the small font and the lengthly post and figured whatever you had to say about this topic could probably be found somewhere else. So I moved on. Or so I thought I did. After not much luck finding what I was looking for I revised my search criteria and this time instead of your blog appearing on page 3 of Bing it appeared on the first page. I shrugged it off and ignored it. After perusing a few sites I then went onto page 2 and there was your site. Again I ignored it. Then page 3, there it was. Once again... ignored. Finally I clicked on the 4th page and didn't see your blog come up. By the 6th page I had all but forgotten your blog existed. Then page 7 came and there you were at the top of the page. At this point I was not only annoyed at Bing for not finding what I was looking for, but I was also thinking ENOUGH ALREADY, I do not want to read this blog. But hey, it's nearly 2 am and what better do I have to do with my insomnia. So I clicked into it for a second time and this time I began reading. By the second paragraph I was hooked and there was no chance I was about to click out of your blog. It became painfully obvious that I needed to read what you had to say. Why? Is it because I'm some weird stranger who stalks random people's blogs? No. Being a blogger myself I rarely have time for my home, much less reading others. But rather it was what you were saying.
ReplyDeleteTo say I've had an easy adult life would be a lie. But hey, everyone has it rough, right? The last couple years though and especially these past 2 months have been especially difficult. Last November my world was turned upside down and I've been looking for the hidden meaning (if there even was one) in why this has all happened. Despite having a career, people to support me and so many other blessings in my life I found myself overwhelmed with the "whys" and the "what ifs" to the point that it affected my sleep pattern, my eating, my health. I've come to consider myself pathetic in these past months for not just 'getting over it' and moving on. I tell myself everyday that people have it way worse than me. And they do. Still, I can't get past this mental block that there must be a reason for it all. And while I can't say I've suddenly found it by reading your blog. You have given me some insight, some... perspective if you will. Clearly you have also been through a lot. The car accident especially. And now with a little one and a new baby on the way you still have it together enough to realize that they come first. That is awesome, and frankly something that not everyone realizes. So here I sit at 2am typing a long a*s comment on a stranger's blog about... what exactly? What was my point? Did I even have one? Maybe not. I just found myself touched and even a little moved by your post. You have a wife, two children (almost) and were given a second chance at life. That's pretty amazing. And truth be told it sort of puts things into perspective for me. It's like you dusted off my crystal ball. Not that I can see into the future, but I can see just a little clearer now. Sometimes it's not about why. Sometimes it's not even about how. Sometimes it's just about... it. Life.... Stranger yet, I opened the laptop tonight to see what movies were on Netflix. I decided to research instead. And since taking the time to read your blog I have come to the conclusion that none of your posts, not a single solitary one has anything to do with the research I was doing. I read your other posts, I even went to your blogger profile. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. So, I guess I will go back to Bing, or Google or wherever else to do some research on haunted locations in Colorado, because I couldn't find them on your blog. But I did find something. I found a man who may be wondering what it's all for, but if he only stopped to read what he wrote he would realize that he already knows the answer. Good luck to you and your wife for a healthy and prosperous new year! ~ Nicole Morgan
ReplyDeleteI'll admit, when I first saw your comment, my initial thought was "Oh man, this stranger is gonna yell at me and tell me I'm dumb." So, thank you for not doing that. Second, thank you for the kind words. I honestly never thought anyone would take the time to read anything I wrote. It seems though, that since I started doing this, the anxiety has subsided a little bit. Maybe the pent up frustrations in my mind just need a place to escape. and what you said have definitley inspired me to keep pushing forward as well. Life is good, and there are people out there who care...But sometimes it's really difficult to see that I'm not alone. Don't know if that makes any sense. But you absolutely uplifted my mood today. I put a link up from a page that I like to check out from time to time that seems to be a pretty complete list of haunted places in colorado. I've been to a few of them myself. (I'm in colorado too) I also posted a video that i took back in 2004 with some ghost footage from the big castle on 83rd and Lowell. it's kind of hard to see the images at first, but I do slow down the video so you can see everything. Hope that helps.
Deletehttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ktGy6OfOGFg
disclosure; The video quality sucks and the tape is kinda messed up. We were driving during the filming.
theshadowlands.net/places/colorado.html
Hey, thanks for the video! It was pretty neat to watch! But, I have to admit that you kind of gave me chills when I read your reply. There were three spots in Colorado that I was particularly interested in researching. One was Woodglenn Park in Thornton which is how I found you. When I was searching I typed in "Woodglenn Park Thornton Colorado Deaths" because according to the haunted legends there have been a couple of deaths there over the past 15 or so years, thus being the reason for the haunting. But, I could find no record of police reports or anything to substantiate those claims. The second spot was Brittany Hill in Thornton. From what I understand it was built in the early 1980's. However, urban legend has it as an old mansion where a woman committed suicide and her husband soon followed. I also can find no facts to back this up. Which kind of annoys me because I love a good ghost story, but I hate it when they just make things up. The third place is the reason your reply gave me chills. I was also searching the old church, Pillar of Fire. In fact when I read your comment and saw 'big castle on 83rd and Lowell' I knew exactly which place you were referring to. I have to say, I still cannot figure out how I found your blog with what I was searching for. I also am in Colorado and within a thirty minute drive to any of the above places. Still there was no reason for your blog to keep popping up. If this were a movie, this would be a bad omen leading up to my untimely death. LOL Regardless, thank you for the video and the link. I've been on the shadowlands site many times. Have a nice night. :)
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