The Man that Hung The Moon.

Anxiety hits me hard on days like today. It's easy to think that I'm on top of the world. A job I enjoy, a family that's there when I get home, a successful Podcast, where almost everyday, I'm reminded that people all over the world are listening to my stories about life. And who am I? Definitely not the best storyteller, I can say that much. But my menial show and voice give some people a sense of topical humor I guess that they can relate and not feel so alone. And that's the goal. To ensure that if there's someone else in the world that feels like I do, reminds them they're not alone....And yet, here I am...Alone.
     Long work hours, and shorter winter days leave very little free time for the ones that matter most. I didn't see my kids today. They were in school before I woke up for work, and were fast asleep by the time I got off. the important thing to remember is that it's not out of malice or spite, or cruel intentions. I have to earn to make a living. And sometimes in order to do that, to really ensure they have a good future, I have to sacrifice days from time to time.
     The hardest part, is that they're still small. 5 and 1 years old....But these moments are crucial. Watching them develop and change on a day to day basis is the foundation to my existence. Missing those days is like going 24 hours without water.  They're still small enough to think of me as their hero. Someone who hangs the moon, and there will come a day in the dreaded teenage years where it will all stop...I don't want it to stop. Maybe by then I'll be okay with being away from time to time, but for now....Every moment is special. And in my own mind, the hours spent working long days away from them will add up and come back to bite me some day.
     My son is already telling me he's too big to hug me goodbye before school...And he's only in Kindergarten! Next, he'll be too big for my favorite pastime with him, which is playing action figures. The day will come, and I will be left here counting the days I missed. But, in order to provide, it has to happen. That's life I suppose.
     But every day, I see them learn new things and think to myself, If it's so hard to be away from these magnificent little people, how are there adults out there that can live with themselves, knowing they abandoned their children? Why are there dumpster moms, and absent fathers who are perfectly okay with not seeing or speaking to their children?
     Come to think of it, I haven't seen my own dad in over 6 years, maybe talked to him 2 years ago? And he lives an hour away. there came a time where I counted the days...He left when I was 2...came back when I was 5...disappeared until I was 8...then 12...then 16.....then a brief moment the day I graduated at 18....didn't see him again until my wedding day when I was 24...then for 6 months when my son was born, and not again since....There were days, weeks, even years where I would call and call and call....and never got a word back....there were numerous father's days and birthdays and christmas' where I was told, "Yeah I'll be there in the morning"....and I'd wait like an anxious puppy dog by the door until the sun went down, and he didn't show. Year after year I put myself through this...and for what? A person who I believed was a superhero. The man that hung the moon....After I was an adult, and had kids, I was baffled....2 years old is a crucial moment in a small child's life. They're learning all kinds of new things! How to talk, how to color, how to express themselves through language...pure happiness and joy. Something adults lack greatly...Who could leave that? For years at a time no less?   I guess there came a time in my own mind, when I realized that the phrase "I can't call you, it's just easier if you call me" doesn't apply...the phone works both ways...As a kid I always had call first, or make 100% effort...Shouldn't it be the other way around? I'll fight like hell to get to my kids every day. I'll make the effort for them because I want to be with them.
     I've never left my kids. I've never had the urge to walk away. To abandon them in any way shape or form. I'm there everyday, and there's STILL things I miss. The other day my daughter brought home some artwork from preschool....she's almost 2 years old, and she finger painted a bear...And I'll admit, I got misty eyed thinking about how I would've loved to see her thought process and happiness as she put her hands in wet paint and dragged them across paper for the first time. And there will always be moments like this. But I never want them to feel abandoned..."when is dad coming home?" And not knowing the answer...I refuse to let them experience that.
     And I know I'm there. It's only one day....But to a kid who's still learning how to tell time, and another who doesn't even speak yet...one day is an eternity. And that's one day I'll have to make up to them. for now, the anxiety will subside, I will be okay. I will like today...I will try to like tomorrow, and I will continue to hang the moon. even if it means doing so from a short distance in between them at home, and me driving home from work.

the future is now

The year is 2015. Earth is a former shell of it's glorious self. Shootings, terrorist attacks, Movies being pulled from theaters for fear of retaliation from foreign countries. The kids of today have no empathy towards anybody else in existence. Is it because of the modern times we're living in? Can we blame technology for the decline in our civilization? I've always believed that as our technology advances, we as a society will continue to get dumber as we rely on machines to do all the work for us.

I started this entry in January of 2015, but never completed it as a result of frustration. 

UPDATE: It is now the end of 2016, and the world is spinning deeper into a steady pace of decay. I don't remember the last time I didn't hear about a mass shooting, cop killing, racially profiled murder, road rage shooting, and blatent disregard for human emotion....The government is lying. People are living without clean water, anybody who speaks up winds up dead...All the lies are out in the open, and they're just waving their dicks in our faces because there's nothing we can do about it.

I cut the cable in my house over a year ago. I don't miss it. The high cost of channels I never watched. The nightly news which was never on in my house...My only regret is not getting LIVE episodes of the walking dead and doctor who. My sanity points. But living without the news is great. Not living your life in fear, being told to consume and obey. *Side note, Watch the cult classic film "They Live"

Anyway, the negativity still seeps in from other sources. People have taken it upon themselves to become freelance news reporters themselves by sharing links all over their social media pages...spreading the fear. Spreading the negativity. Continuing to spread chaos.

I've said since the 90's, during the years of AIM, and Yahoo Chat through bad dial up modems, the more technology advances, the dumber our society will become, and we will eventually destroy ourselves through technology and social media. Being a 12-13 year old kid that knew this information before anyone else did made me look crazy, but check it out. What has the internet become? Is it still the rad "Information super-highway" we were taught about? I mean, yeah, there's info, but there are also "Keyboard warriors" people who are impervious to sympathy and compassion towards others with their narrow, unwavered opinions. And EVERYONE has an opinion...on EVERYTHING! Do you check your resources? No? You just read the headline of a buzzfeed article and now you're an expert on thermonuclear fission reactors? Good for you chief. No need for degrees anymore. Sadly, this disillusioned, over privileged generation are so gullible, that they believe everything they hear and read, whether their source is credible or not. And Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance, and conscious stupidity-Martin Luther King Jr.

The fact that given this past election alone, people are rioting over 2 branches of the same tree. Most do not realize that the two main political parties go hand in hand and are not much different. Especially since they're connected to the same funding. and yet, the media knows this and understands exactly which trigger key words to use to infuse the mass population of stupidity. Because of the election, I'm now seeing MORE racism in public outings than I've ever experienced. Ignorant, middle class white women yelling in stores about how they've been discriminated against because of the color of their skin....REALLY?! You know not of racial discrimination for being over privileged and white. Millenials. Generation "Why Me?" people that are so offended by EVERYTHING, these are the kids of the kids who were never told "NO" as children. People who were raised to believe they were entitled to anything and everything no matter what the cost or outcome. People who've never had to work hard to earn what they have and where they got it from, throw a monkey wrench in that plan and they have no idea what to do except lay down and cry because they didn't get their way.


In a few short months regarding the election, I've watched these keyboard warriors divert their mentality backward 50+ years. Did we not learn anything about blindly following bigotry in WWII? Did we not learn anything about racial segregation in the 60's? why are we going back to a primitive time? Non-validated sources plugging ideas into shallow minds.

Everyday, I fear for the future. For my kids...Will there even be a future left for them? and if so, What horrors have yet to unfold? I've stated it before, but We have to do better. We have to leave the world better for the next generation. Educate them. I still abide by Wheaton's Law, which is simply put "Don't Be A Dick" it's not hard. What do you have to prove? I read an article about a 28 year old man, driving in a stolen vehicle. Stopped at a stop sign. the guy in front didn't go fast enough, so the 28 year old honked. The car in front, dude was 23 flipped him the bird. the guy got so mad, that he pulled up next to the guy and shot him to death...Why? Over a hand gesture? Over a dirty look? You're that insecure? Move on man.

Bill and Ted also put it very eloquently. A basic rule that people have no concept over. "Be Excellent to Each Other" and we really need to exercise that philosophy now...Or we're not gonna be around much longer.