Anxiety hits me hard on days like today. It's easy to think that I'm on top of the world. A job I enjoy, a family that's there when I get home, a successful Podcast, where almost everyday, I'm reminded that people all over the world are listening to my stories about life. And who am I? Definitely not the best storyteller, I can say that much. But my menial show and voice give some people a sense of topical humor I guess that they can relate and not feel so alone. And that's the goal. To ensure that if there's someone else in the world that feels like I do, reminds them they're not alone....And yet, here I am...Alone.
Long work hours, and shorter winter days leave very little free time for the ones that matter most. I didn't see my kids today. They were in school before I woke up for work, and were fast asleep by the time I got off. the important thing to remember is that it's not out of malice or spite, or cruel intentions. I have to earn to make a living. And sometimes in order to do that, to really ensure they have a good future, I have to sacrifice days from time to time.
The hardest part, is that they're still small. 5 and 1 years old....But these moments are crucial. Watching them develop and change on a day to day basis is the foundation to my existence. Missing those days is like going 24 hours without water. They're still small enough to think of me as their hero. Someone who hangs the moon, and there will come a day in the dreaded teenage years where it will all stop...I don't want it to stop. Maybe by then I'll be okay with being away from time to time, but for now....Every moment is special. And in my own mind, the hours spent working long days away from them will add up and come back to bite me some day.
My son is already telling me he's too big to hug me goodbye before school...And he's only in Kindergarten! Next, he'll be too big for my favorite pastime with him, which is playing action figures. The day will come, and I will be left here counting the days I missed. But, in order to provide, it has to happen. That's life I suppose.
But every day, I see them learn new things and think to myself, If it's so hard to be away from these magnificent little people, how are there adults out there that can live with themselves, knowing they abandoned their children? Why are there dumpster moms, and absent fathers who are perfectly okay with not seeing or speaking to their children?
Come to think of it, I haven't seen my own dad in over 6 years, maybe talked to him 2 years ago? And he lives an hour away. there came a time where I counted the days...He left when I was 2...came back when I was 5...disappeared until I was 8...then 12...then 16.....then a brief moment the day I graduated at 18....didn't see him again until my wedding day when I was 24...then for 6 months when my son was born, and not again since....There were days, weeks, even years where I would call and call and call....and never got a word back....there were numerous father's days and birthdays and christmas' where I was told, "Yeah I'll be there in the morning"....and I'd wait like an anxious puppy dog by the door until the sun went down, and he didn't show. Year after year I put myself through this...and for what? A person who I believed was a superhero. The man that hung the moon....After I was an adult, and had kids, I was baffled....2 years old is a crucial moment in a small child's life. They're learning all kinds of new things! How to talk, how to color, how to express themselves through language...pure happiness and joy. Something adults lack greatly...Who could leave that? For years at a time no less? I guess there came a time in my own mind, when I realized that the phrase "I can't call you, it's just easier if you call me" doesn't apply...the phone works both ways...As a kid I always had call first, or make 100% effort...Shouldn't it be the other way around? I'll fight like hell to get to my kids every day. I'll make the effort for them because I want to be with them.
I've never left my kids. I've never had the urge to walk away. To abandon them in any way shape or form. I'm there everyday, and there's STILL things I miss. The other day my daughter brought home some artwork from preschool....she's almost 2 years old, and she finger painted a bear...And I'll admit, I got misty eyed thinking about how I would've loved to see her thought process and happiness as she put her hands in wet paint and dragged them across paper for the first time. And there will always be moments like this. But I never want them to feel abandoned..."when is dad coming home?" And not knowing the answer...I refuse to let them experience that.
And I know I'm there. It's only one day....But to a kid who's still learning how to tell time, and another who doesn't even speak yet...one day is an eternity. And that's one day I'll have to make up to them. for now, the anxiety will subside, I will be okay. I will like today...I will try to like tomorrow, and I will continue to hang the moon. even if it means doing so from a short distance in between them at home, and me driving home from work.
Wednesday, December 14, 2016
Tuesday, November 29, 2016
the future is now
The year is 2015. Earth is a former shell of it's glorious self. Shootings, terrorist attacks, Movies being pulled from theaters for fear of retaliation from foreign countries. The kids of today have no empathy towards anybody else in existence. Is it because of the modern times we're living in? Can we blame technology for the decline in our civilization? I've always believed that as our technology advances, we as a society will continue to get dumber as we rely on machines to do all the work for us.
I started this entry in January of 2015, but never completed it as a result of frustration.
UPDATE: It is now the end of 2016, and the world is spinning deeper into a steady pace of decay. I don't remember the last time I didn't hear about a mass shooting, cop killing, racially profiled murder, road rage shooting, and blatent disregard for human emotion....The government is lying. People are living without clean water, anybody who speaks up winds up dead...All the lies are out in the open, and they're just waving their dicks in our faces because there's nothing we can do about it.
I cut the cable in my house over a year ago. I don't miss it. The high cost of channels I never watched. The nightly news which was never on in my house...My only regret is not getting LIVE episodes of the walking dead and doctor who. My sanity points. But living without the news is great. Not living your life in fear, being told to consume and obey. *Side note, Watch the cult classic film "They Live"
Anyway, the negativity still seeps in from other sources. People have taken it upon themselves to become freelance news reporters themselves by sharing links all over their social media pages...spreading the fear. Spreading the negativity. Continuing to spread chaos.
I've said since the 90's, during the years of AIM, and Yahoo Chat through bad dial up modems, the more technology advances, the dumber our society will become, and we will eventually destroy ourselves through technology and social media. Being a 12-13 year old kid that knew this information before anyone else did made me look crazy, but check it out. What has the internet become? Is it still the rad "Information super-highway" we were taught about? I mean, yeah, there's info, but there are also "Keyboard warriors" people who are impervious to sympathy and compassion towards others with their narrow, unwavered opinions. And EVERYONE has an opinion...on EVERYTHING! Do you check your resources? No? You just read the headline of a buzzfeed article and now you're an expert on thermonuclear fission reactors? Good for you chief. No need for degrees anymore. Sadly, this disillusioned, over privileged generation are so gullible, that they believe everything they hear and read, whether their source is credible or not. And Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance, and conscious stupidity-Martin Luther King Jr.
The fact that given this past election alone, people are rioting over 2 branches of the same tree. Most do not realize that the two main political parties go hand in hand and are not much different. Especially since they're connected to the same funding. and yet, the media knows this and understands exactly which trigger key words to use to infuse the mass population of stupidity. Because of the election, I'm now seeing MORE racism in public outings than I've ever experienced. Ignorant, middle class white women yelling in stores about how they've been discriminated against because of the color of their skin....REALLY?! You know not of racial discrimination for being over privileged and white. Millenials. Generation "Why Me?" people that are so offended by EVERYTHING, these are the kids of the kids who were never told "NO" as children. People who were raised to believe they were entitled to anything and everything no matter what the cost or outcome. People who've never had to work hard to earn what they have and where they got it from, throw a monkey wrench in that plan and they have no idea what to do except lay down and cry because they didn't get their way.
In a few short months regarding the election, I've watched these keyboard warriors divert their mentality backward 50+ years. Did we not learn anything about blindly following bigotry in WWII? Did we not learn anything about racial segregation in the 60's? why are we going back to a primitive time? Non-validated sources plugging ideas into shallow minds.
Everyday, I fear for the future. For my kids...Will there even be a future left for them? and if so, What horrors have yet to unfold? I've stated it before, but We have to do better. We have to leave the world better for the next generation. Educate them. I still abide by Wheaton's Law, which is simply put "Don't Be A Dick" it's not hard. What do you have to prove? I read an article about a 28 year old man, driving in a stolen vehicle. Stopped at a stop sign. the guy in front didn't go fast enough, so the 28 year old honked. The car in front, dude was 23 flipped him the bird. the guy got so mad, that he pulled up next to the guy and shot him to death...Why? Over a hand gesture? Over a dirty look? You're that insecure? Move on man.
Bill and Ted also put it very eloquently. A basic rule that people have no concept over. "Be Excellent to Each Other" and we really need to exercise that philosophy now...Or we're not gonna be around much longer.
I started this entry in January of 2015, but never completed it as a result of frustration.
UPDATE: It is now the end of 2016, and the world is spinning deeper into a steady pace of decay. I don't remember the last time I didn't hear about a mass shooting, cop killing, racially profiled murder, road rage shooting, and blatent disregard for human emotion....The government is lying. People are living without clean water, anybody who speaks up winds up dead...All the lies are out in the open, and they're just waving their dicks in our faces because there's nothing we can do about it.
I cut the cable in my house over a year ago. I don't miss it. The high cost of channels I never watched. The nightly news which was never on in my house...My only regret is not getting LIVE episodes of the walking dead and doctor who. My sanity points. But living without the news is great. Not living your life in fear, being told to consume and obey. *Side note, Watch the cult classic film "They Live"
Anyway, the negativity still seeps in from other sources. People have taken it upon themselves to become freelance news reporters themselves by sharing links all over their social media pages...spreading the fear. Spreading the negativity. Continuing to spread chaos.
I've said since the 90's, during the years of AIM, and Yahoo Chat through bad dial up modems, the more technology advances, the dumber our society will become, and we will eventually destroy ourselves through technology and social media. Being a 12-13 year old kid that knew this information before anyone else did made me look crazy, but check it out. What has the internet become? Is it still the rad "Information super-highway" we were taught about? I mean, yeah, there's info, but there are also "Keyboard warriors" people who are impervious to sympathy and compassion towards others with their narrow, unwavered opinions. And EVERYONE has an opinion...on EVERYTHING! Do you check your resources? No? You just read the headline of a buzzfeed article and now you're an expert on thermonuclear fission reactors? Good for you chief. No need for degrees anymore. Sadly, this disillusioned, over privileged generation are so gullible, that they believe everything they hear and read, whether their source is credible or not. And Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance, and conscious stupidity-Martin Luther King Jr.
The fact that given this past election alone, people are rioting over 2 branches of the same tree. Most do not realize that the two main political parties go hand in hand and are not much different. Especially since they're connected to the same funding. and yet, the media knows this and understands exactly which trigger key words to use to infuse the mass population of stupidity. Because of the election, I'm now seeing MORE racism in public outings than I've ever experienced. Ignorant, middle class white women yelling in stores about how they've been discriminated against because of the color of their skin....REALLY?! You know not of racial discrimination for being over privileged and white. Millenials. Generation "Why Me?" people that are so offended by EVERYTHING, these are the kids of the kids who were never told "NO" as children. People who were raised to believe they were entitled to anything and everything no matter what the cost or outcome. People who've never had to work hard to earn what they have and where they got it from, throw a monkey wrench in that plan and they have no idea what to do except lay down and cry because they didn't get their way.
In a few short months regarding the election, I've watched these keyboard warriors divert their mentality backward 50+ years. Did we not learn anything about blindly following bigotry in WWII? Did we not learn anything about racial segregation in the 60's? why are we going back to a primitive time? Non-validated sources plugging ideas into shallow minds.
Everyday, I fear for the future. For my kids...Will there even be a future left for them? and if so, What horrors have yet to unfold? I've stated it before, but We have to do better. We have to leave the world better for the next generation. Educate them. I still abide by Wheaton's Law, which is simply put "Don't Be A Dick" it's not hard. What do you have to prove? I read an article about a 28 year old man, driving in a stolen vehicle. Stopped at a stop sign. the guy in front didn't go fast enough, so the 28 year old honked. The car in front, dude was 23 flipped him the bird. the guy got so mad, that he pulled up next to the guy and shot him to death...Why? Over a hand gesture? Over a dirty look? You're that insecure? Move on man.
Bill and Ted also put it very eloquently. A basic rule that people have no concept over. "Be Excellent to Each Other" and we really need to exercise that philosophy now...Or we're not gonna be around much longer.
Monday, July 13, 2015
I think I like today...
The balance is becoming normal. The world no longer seems to be crashing upon my shoulders weighing me down like a ton of bricks. Crazy as it seems, I think my podcast has saved my life. There's something very draining and frustrating when it comes to expressing emotions, thoughts and feelings to those who refuse to listen. Not saying They're bad people, they just don't have the open ear that I do. That feeling starts eating at me, a trigger in my brain that reminds me I'm all alone. The fact that if my sentences aren't under 140 characters, and spoken at break-neck speeds, the interest is lost. Nobody gives a damn what needs to be said. Not that every word is important mind you, but the fact that somebody would be willing to take time for me, is unnerving to say the least. I'm the one who gives the compliments, yet never receives any. I provide the listening ear with words of advice to those who can't return the favor. I slump deeper and deeper into a depression until I wake up, and realize I've slept for 2 days straight. But who's there to care when all is crumbling? The only one who's there for me. The face in the mirror. Which reminds me, Tomorrow's the day I pick up my first refill of "Crazy don't kill yourself" pills from the doctor's office. I think they help. I sleep less. I eat less. I've lost weight. That's good. But where would I be without my podcast outlet? I started it as a free form of therapy when things were getting to a very dangerous point in my head. It released a lot of the tension. I suddenly felt human again. At least for a short while. Now I'm updating every week. Which makes me think that I don't need the blog page anymore. However, I keep promoting this page on my show. Which means I need to write something, instead of copying over show notes. Although they can be pretty cool. They look like scratches and riff raff to an outside onlooker. Either way, I just finished up episode 8, and the great feeling, comes to me when I check the stats of the show's progression, and it shows me that people from all over the country and around the world are listening to my dumb voice rant and rave about nothing for 20 minutes a week. But those 20 minutes a week, seems more than anyone in my actual life gives, so it means I will surely continue. Not only continue, but as long as I do, I will be....Just Okay
soundcloud.com/thispodcastisjustokay
youtube.com/kissmembr34
twitter.com/ozmusic34
facebook.com/thispodcastisjustokay
kissmembr34@gmail.com
soundcloud.com/thispodcastisjustokay
youtube.com/kissmembr34
twitter.com/ozmusic34
facebook.com/thispodcastisjustokay
kissmembr34@gmail.com
Tuesday, May 26, 2015
This Podcast Is...Just Okay Episode 4 "Retail All"
Welcome! I'm really excited because my podcast "This Podcast is...Just Okay" is Now Officially on Itunes!!! Hooray. I know that's not a big deal to some, but for me, it's a pretty cool and big accomplishment. I'm still trying to find my niche on linking this site and the podcast together. But, It gets pretty insightful as it is, so....What is there left to blog about? Behind the scenes stuff? I guess I could do that. These are my show notes from the episode. So I guess that's pretty cool to see my highlight process into the madness. ******'s mean the most important stuff that I don't want to forget in the show. They are also the main links to my websites.
Welcome!***********************************************************
youtube.com/kissmembr34********************************************
ozband34.blogspot.com**********************************************
@ozmusic34 On The Twitter*******************************************
kissmembr34@gmail.com************************************************
ITUNES!!!! N. Rose This Podcast is...Just Okay***********************
Like, Comment, Subscribe, Review!!!***************************
Song Credits: N. Rose Guitars, Bass, Drums, Vocals, Keys, Etc.
This Podcast Is...Just Okay
Denver Comic Con!
Cosplay
Our Costumes
Panels
MANTIS
Celeb Sighting
Anthony Michael Hall
Sean Astin
Karen Gillan
David Morrissey
Alan Tudyk
Lou Ferrigno
Segway Into Customer Service Issues
Camera
TOP Five Worst Customer Service Experiences
1. Walmart Electronics Dept.
DVDs
Camera
Computer Stuff
Phone
2. Walmart Toys Department
Price Check Bothersome
3. Walmart Cashier
Doesn't Know how to take checks
Acts Like she's never worked a register
4. Walmart Customer Service Counter
Double Charge, hard to refund
Lost Credit Cards/nobody Cares
5. Staff Bothered by your presence
Now for the other important segment. This Week's Poll
Q: What are YOUR worst customer service experiences?
Leave a reply below, and I'll read the answers on next week's show.
Welcome!***********************************************************
youtube.com/kissmembr34********************************************
ozband34.blogspot.com**********************************************
@ozmusic34 On The Twitter*******************************************
kissmembr34@gmail.com************************************************
ITUNES!!!! N. Rose This Podcast is...Just Okay***********************
Like, Comment, Subscribe, Review!!!***************************
Song Credits: N. Rose Guitars, Bass, Drums, Vocals, Keys, Etc.
This Podcast Is...Just Okay
Denver Comic Con!
Cosplay
Our Costumes
Panels
MANTIS
Celeb Sighting
Anthony Michael Hall
Sean Astin
Karen Gillan
David Morrissey
Alan Tudyk
Lou Ferrigno
Segway Into Customer Service Issues
Camera
TOP Five Worst Customer Service Experiences
1. Walmart Electronics Dept.
DVDs
Camera
Computer Stuff
Phone
2. Walmart Toys Department
Price Check Bothersome
3. Walmart Cashier
Doesn't Know how to take checks
Acts Like she's never worked a register
4. Walmart Customer Service Counter
Double Charge, hard to refund
Lost Credit Cards/nobody Cares
5. Staff Bothered by your presence
Now for the other important segment. This Week's Poll
Q: What are YOUR worst customer service experiences?
Leave a reply below, and I'll read the answers on next week's show.
Tuesday, April 28, 2015
Welcome to "This Podcast Is...Just Okay"
Well, Here it is folks...Almost 4 months since the last blog post. Which is pretty good, considering the last time it took a couple years. So, I guess that means I'm getting better. In the latest bit of news, I've started Podcasting. It's been pretty sweet and easy to get my thoughts out of my ever growing crazy mind. It's a little scary however to put myself out there in such a candid light, but also challenging to see what I can do in front of a microphone. Since I keep trying to promote this page, I might as well use it.
It's a little show I've been calling "This Podcast is...Just Okay" Which is mediocre at best, but I like to keep my standards low. Seeing as how I just published the third episode, I'll open this page up to show notes and such for those of you to comment on and keep in your thoughts. The third episode is titled "The Procrastination Proclamation" and showcases exactly what I've been best at as of late. I'm not sure If I've been busy, depressed, or just making excuses...But....I finally sat down and got my thoughts out.
I try to not only create, but also Inspire others to do something great with their lives. You can listen to the episodes here------>
soundcloud.com/kissmembr34
It's a little show I've been calling "This Podcast is...Just Okay" Which is mediocre at best, but I like to keep my standards low. Seeing as how I just published the third episode, I'll open this page up to show notes and such for those of you to comment on and keep in your thoughts. The third episode is titled "The Procrastination Proclamation" and showcases exactly what I've been best at as of late. I'm not sure If I've been busy, depressed, or just making excuses...But....I finally sat down and got my thoughts out.
I try to not only create, but also Inspire others to do something great with their lives. You can listen to the episodes here------>
soundcloud.com/kissmembr34
Friday, January 9, 2015
High School Never Ends...
Though cliche, the saying is sadly true. Especially in the workplace. Although it's really tough when it's you boss/superior acting like an insubordinate child who isn't getting their way. What transcends into people's minds where they hatch this idea of if you're not my best friend, than I'm going to make your life utterly miserable?
For instance, a scenario in which I don't ask about their weekend, or exactly how they're feeling can make a HUGE impact on whether or not my life at work is going to suck. I'm sorry to inform this, but I am an employee. I was hired to do a job, collect a paycheck and go home. Not only am I doing what's above and beyond that of what's expected of me, I now have to "care" about people in a way that's reserved for close family and friends. Honestly, I don't care about your day. I don't have any opinions on what you did over the weekend. It's not my place to interfere or interact with such nonsense.
Sure, I like to keep to myself. I get along with everyone, but that's still on a surface level. No need to dive into the deep end and pretend to care about something I have no interest in. Sure you want someone to care. You need reassurance that the chaos in your life will subside and that you're not alone, But I hate to break it to you, we all have issues, I'm not your mother.
The current scenario that really has me fired up, is this;
Last week, the unpredictable weather patterns were so screwed up, not only was I driving on pure ice, but the snow was coming down hard. Thick flakes of snow impairing my vision. To make matters worse, it was so cold outside, that the windshield kept frosting over to the point of having to be scraped while I was driving. I decided that since I was in an accident 2 months ago, that it would be best to stay indoors and not go in to work an overnight shift, risking my life both ways to and from work. We had been caught up from the day before, and there was no need for my extra hand this particular evening.
So I called in. It wasn't a "sick" call. I told the truth. "The weather is too bad for me to risk my life tonight. I'm going to stay inside." To which I was told "Cool bro. Stay safe" This was Saturday Night.
Sunday comes, no problems. Monday comes, No Problems. Tuesday, No Problems. Wednesday, No Problem. THURSDAY. I walk in the door, and have my boss jump down my throat as if he was cutting a promo for the world heavyweight title. Out of absolutely nowhere. All I could do was look into the distance, shrug my shoulders and move on.
I was told how "Uncool" and "Unprofessional" it was to call in that day. How it better NEVER happen again, and "Depending on my mood, I may or may not see to it that you're terminated tonight."
To think, I just got a raise. I don't have attendance issues. I've never been written up. I'm 10 minutes early EVERY night. I work diligently and quietly. Finishing up all of my work, then moving on toward other departments that may have fallen behind. Hell, they even have me training new hires and I'm not a Manager. I do it to keep the stress off the boss' back. They even have me secretly training new guys on the forklifts. Which if caught I'd be fired for doing so. But as long it helps the managers not have to do their own responsibilities, it's all good. Not only that, but just last week, he was telling me that they're lucky to have me, as I'm their go to guy whenever they're in a bind. Sooooo..... What the hell?
He then finishes belittling me, and ends the conversation snidely with, "Oh, and my weekend and daughter are fine, THANKS for asking."
Ummmm..... What? Yeah, like I'm really gonna go ahead and ASK how your day was. pfsh. Whatever "Bruh"
As I try to maintain my composure, I don't argue. I just reply with "okay" and walked away from the conversation.
Just then, it dawned on me. As he was flared up, showing his peacock feathers to me, I remembered, last January, they got rid of his inner circle. A group of young thugs with which we had worked with. The kind of guys who make you check your pockets anytime they walk by just to make sure you still have your wallet. They were a tight circle of buddies, and ran the building in an unflattering, yet intimidating way. It just so happens that a year later, they were all mysteriously hired back, and now the boss has to maintain some kind of "Thug Life" persona.
The whole ruse last night was just to show off his big dogg muscles to this buddies. WOW. and I'm "Unprofessional" and "Uncool?"
So uncool in fact, that for some reason by the end of the night, his iphone was dead. Low and behold Who's the only guy in the building with a charger? Yup. People are always nice when they need something. I guess that little white cord kept me from the chopping block to survive another night.
Maybe I should feel privileged? I try to maintain one simple rule. It's known as Wheaton's Law. Which simply put is "Don't be a dick" If more people would abide by this one simple concept, maybe the world wouldn't be such a screwed up place.
I know this has been pretty lengthy so far, but getting it out seems to help with the anxiety. Plus, if I keep making this "thing" maybe I'll let off some steam from pent up frustrations not creating for so long.
I'll keep it simple for you guys still reading. Live your life for you. It doesn't matter who can flare a bigger temper. In the end, nothing is gained, but respect is lost. Just because you say a lot, doesn't mean you have a lot to say. And just because you hold your tongue, doesn't mean you're weak. I'll leave you with those thoughts to mull around until next time. And until then, Don't be a dick.
For instance, a scenario in which I don't ask about their weekend, or exactly how they're feeling can make a HUGE impact on whether or not my life at work is going to suck. I'm sorry to inform this, but I am an employee. I was hired to do a job, collect a paycheck and go home. Not only am I doing what's above and beyond that of what's expected of me, I now have to "care" about people in a way that's reserved for close family and friends. Honestly, I don't care about your day. I don't have any opinions on what you did over the weekend. It's not my place to interfere or interact with such nonsense.
Sure, I like to keep to myself. I get along with everyone, but that's still on a surface level. No need to dive into the deep end and pretend to care about something I have no interest in. Sure you want someone to care. You need reassurance that the chaos in your life will subside and that you're not alone, But I hate to break it to you, we all have issues, I'm not your mother.
The current scenario that really has me fired up, is this;
Last week, the unpredictable weather patterns were so screwed up, not only was I driving on pure ice, but the snow was coming down hard. Thick flakes of snow impairing my vision. To make matters worse, it was so cold outside, that the windshield kept frosting over to the point of having to be scraped while I was driving. I decided that since I was in an accident 2 months ago, that it would be best to stay indoors and not go in to work an overnight shift, risking my life both ways to and from work. We had been caught up from the day before, and there was no need for my extra hand this particular evening.
So I called in. It wasn't a "sick" call. I told the truth. "The weather is too bad for me to risk my life tonight. I'm going to stay inside." To which I was told "Cool bro. Stay safe" This was Saturday Night.
Sunday comes, no problems. Monday comes, No Problems. Tuesday, No Problems. Wednesday, No Problem. THURSDAY. I walk in the door, and have my boss jump down my throat as if he was cutting a promo for the world heavyweight title. Out of absolutely nowhere. All I could do was look into the distance, shrug my shoulders and move on.
I was told how "Uncool" and "Unprofessional" it was to call in that day. How it better NEVER happen again, and "Depending on my mood, I may or may not see to it that you're terminated tonight."
To think, I just got a raise. I don't have attendance issues. I've never been written up. I'm 10 minutes early EVERY night. I work diligently and quietly. Finishing up all of my work, then moving on toward other departments that may have fallen behind. Hell, they even have me training new hires and I'm not a Manager. I do it to keep the stress off the boss' back. They even have me secretly training new guys on the forklifts. Which if caught I'd be fired for doing so. But as long it helps the managers not have to do their own responsibilities, it's all good. Not only that, but just last week, he was telling me that they're lucky to have me, as I'm their go to guy whenever they're in a bind. Sooooo..... What the hell?
He then finishes belittling me, and ends the conversation snidely with, "Oh, and my weekend and daughter are fine, THANKS for asking."
Ummmm..... What? Yeah, like I'm really gonna go ahead and ASK how your day was. pfsh. Whatever "Bruh"
As I try to maintain my composure, I don't argue. I just reply with "okay" and walked away from the conversation.
Just then, it dawned on me. As he was flared up, showing his peacock feathers to me, I remembered, last January, they got rid of his inner circle. A group of young thugs with which we had worked with. The kind of guys who make you check your pockets anytime they walk by just to make sure you still have your wallet. They were a tight circle of buddies, and ran the building in an unflattering, yet intimidating way. It just so happens that a year later, they were all mysteriously hired back, and now the boss has to maintain some kind of "Thug Life" persona.
The whole ruse last night was just to show off his big dogg muscles to this buddies. WOW. and I'm "Unprofessional" and "Uncool?"
So uncool in fact, that for some reason by the end of the night, his iphone was dead. Low and behold Who's the only guy in the building with a charger? Yup. People are always nice when they need something. I guess that little white cord kept me from the chopping block to survive another night.
Maybe I should feel privileged? I try to maintain one simple rule. It's known as Wheaton's Law. Which simply put is "Don't be a dick" If more people would abide by this one simple concept, maybe the world wouldn't be such a screwed up place.
I know this has been pretty lengthy so far, but getting it out seems to help with the anxiety. Plus, if I keep making this "thing" maybe I'll let off some steam from pent up frustrations not creating for so long.
I'll keep it simple for you guys still reading. Live your life for you. It doesn't matter who can flare a bigger temper. In the end, nothing is gained, but respect is lost. Just because you say a lot, doesn't mean you have a lot to say. And just because you hold your tongue, doesn't mean you're weak. I'll leave you with those thoughts to mull around until next time. And until then, Don't be a dick.
Sunday, January 4, 2015
Back, Back, Back Into Action...
A Return. To what exactly? I'm not sure. Maybe it's the desire to create, to immerse myself in something other than the utterly dull existence of eat, work, sleep, repeat. Even Netflix isn't doing it these days. No. It's as if something is missing. Some piece of the puzzle isn't there, and I'm filling the void with an unhealthy amount of depressive sleep. Could it be that I haven't done anything useful with my time for so long, that I've forgotten how to be artistic? the inspiration to write and record new music hits me like a tidal wave from time to time, but not nearly as much as it did just a few years ago. And what exactly do I do with the songs I record anyway? Listen to them for my own enjoyment, like a companion speaking my words in my own voice to comfort myself? How narcissistic can one be?
On one hand, I do have enough resources to get myself out there and play shows again. But at what cost? Run the risk of touring and not seeing my family? In that light, it's not worth it to me, not being there for my kids. Sacrifice? Maybe. Worth it? Most definitely. I find myself trying to gravitate toward more logical, yet attainable ideals. I mean, it seems as though the comic book store is my only means of getting away from my head, at least an hour a week.
Still, I feel like there's more out there waiting for me. Music is all well and good, but as we all know, music today isn't what it was a few years ago. The industry has changed so much, not only am I unsure I could even make it in that world anymore, I'm not sure I would want to. To begin, nobody even buys albums anymore. Everything's digital. I refuse to pay storage fees, and share a cut of profits from anything earned to a server site or other 3rd party host. Fine print also states that anything submitted then becomes the intellectual property of said entity. Which I completely disagree with. Deal with me directly, and I'll distribute myself. With all proceeds going to me and my family you greedy dicks.
Plus, doesn't it seem kinda douchey to say "Yeah, I'm a musician" or "I'm in a band." I mean, yechh. Back in my day, that was such a cool thing to say. (At least in my head) Then again, maybe wisdom does come with age, and I'm finally realizing all the stupidity I've surrounded myself with for so many years.
Still, I'm aimlessly searching for something. To find myself? To find Hope? Whatever it is, it has me scratching my head late at night, making me wonder what it is I'm here to do and when I'll find my true meaning.
Mid-life crisis? hope not. That would imply that my life is almost over. To that I say there's no way.
Why all of a sudden am I thinking this way? I mean, I do have a dead-end job but at least it's paying the bills. Could that be it? I don't want to spend the rest of my days stuck in some low level, menial job that affects my health, and punishes those who crave diversity and anyone who speaks their mind with an intelligent manner.
That's a conversation unto itself to which I can speak for hours.
New baby on the way? Partly. Maybe. It's one thing to look at someone without kids and judge. "Who do they think they are?" "They don't know what they're missing" "Don't tell people with kids how to raise them when you don't have any of your own."
It's another thing to look at other parents and judge that as well.
It's an entirely different thought process to think about, when you have a 3 year old, and one on the way. It's exciting news, yet terrifying at the same time. Can I do it again? will I ever sleep again? Is my piece of shit job enough to support another life? How will I divide my attention and love evenly and yet remain happily married or sane? Another little person in this world means taking care of business. How can I teach success, if I'm not living the embodiment of success? And what defines success? money? Companionship? Love? To a certain degree I guess I am successful, but when it comes to raising kids, I believe that your level of success in your own mind remains unfulfilled because you always want to prove more to your kids. You get to be an embodiment of everything great in a grand scale through their eyes. Which makes failure hurt twice as much.
Over-analysing? I'm certain of it. But it's not as though I can pull the curtain over my eyes and ignore it. Why? I dunno.
Mortality has become an even bigger issue since the car accident. It's been nearly 3 months and I still can't get in a vehicle, driver OR passenger without hesitation, and anxiety issues. It gets to the point where I find myself nauseous and dizzy anytime I see a car out of place. Will that ever subside? I sure hope so. I'm not clutching the handle on the passenger side as much as I was. Although I still don't like the idea of cars anymore. The snow doesn't help either. 12 years. 12 whole years, and not one accident, traffic incident, speeding ticket, etc. Then, one day some idiot blindly t bones you, and your world falls apart. You start thinking just how much time do I have left? I'm glad my pregnant wife and small child weren't in the car.
I come to think of it as a blessing. I got hit so they wouldn't have to. I sacrificed myself to keep them home and safe. It's the only logical explanation.
Then again...A blessing from whom? or what? maybe it was all coincidence? Whatever it was, has sent me into a turmoil of manic mood-swings, depression, anxiety, and spite.
Maybe I just need a voice. A way to carry out these despicable thoughts, with someone to listen and tell me that it's going to be okay. It's hard to speak when you're the only one listening. Spoilers: I know how it ends. People don't quite understand, and I can't say that it's pure ignorance or lack of empathy. I think people hear without listening. Most others are only concerned with themselves and their own mistakes or problems. Who knows? Maybe they've been where I am before, and gave up when nobody would listen to them?
Everybody has their own void to fill I suppose. It's hard to make time for anyone else when you're buried neck deep in your own issues. I guess it's a good thing I remembered about this blog thing. Eventually, I'd like to turn this sort of thing into a podcast. But without a solid theme, who would care to listen? If you've read this far, congrats. Thanks for choosing to spend your time with me. I enjoy the company. Somewhat.
On one hand, I do have enough resources to get myself out there and play shows again. But at what cost? Run the risk of touring and not seeing my family? In that light, it's not worth it to me, not being there for my kids. Sacrifice? Maybe. Worth it? Most definitely. I find myself trying to gravitate toward more logical, yet attainable ideals. I mean, it seems as though the comic book store is my only means of getting away from my head, at least an hour a week.
Still, I feel like there's more out there waiting for me. Music is all well and good, but as we all know, music today isn't what it was a few years ago. The industry has changed so much, not only am I unsure I could even make it in that world anymore, I'm not sure I would want to. To begin, nobody even buys albums anymore. Everything's digital. I refuse to pay storage fees, and share a cut of profits from anything earned to a server site or other 3rd party host. Fine print also states that anything submitted then becomes the intellectual property of said entity. Which I completely disagree with. Deal with me directly, and I'll distribute myself. With all proceeds going to me and my family you greedy dicks.
Plus, doesn't it seem kinda douchey to say "Yeah, I'm a musician" or "I'm in a band." I mean, yechh. Back in my day, that was such a cool thing to say. (At least in my head) Then again, maybe wisdom does come with age, and I'm finally realizing all the stupidity I've surrounded myself with for so many years.
Still, I'm aimlessly searching for something. To find myself? To find Hope? Whatever it is, it has me scratching my head late at night, making me wonder what it is I'm here to do and when I'll find my true meaning.
Mid-life crisis? hope not. That would imply that my life is almost over. To that I say there's no way.
Why all of a sudden am I thinking this way? I mean, I do have a dead-end job but at least it's paying the bills. Could that be it? I don't want to spend the rest of my days stuck in some low level, menial job that affects my health, and punishes those who crave diversity and anyone who speaks their mind with an intelligent manner.
That's a conversation unto itself to which I can speak for hours.
New baby on the way? Partly. Maybe. It's one thing to look at someone without kids and judge. "Who do they think they are?" "They don't know what they're missing" "Don't tell people with kids how to raise them when you don't have any of your own."
It's another thing to look at other parents and judge that as well.
It's an entirely different thought process to think about, when you have a 3 year old, and one on the way. It's exciting news, yet terrifying at the same time. Can I do it again? will I ever sleep again? Is my piece of shit job enough to support another life? How will I divide my attention and love evenly and yet remain happily married or sane? Another little person in this world means taking care of business. How can I teach success, if I'm not living the embodiment of success? And what defines success? money? Companionship? Love? To a certain degree I guess I am successful, but when it comes to raising kids, I believe that your level of success in your own mind remains unfulfilled because you always want to prove more to your kids. You get to be an embodiment of everything great in a grand scale through their eyes. Which makes failure hurt twice as much.
Over-analysing? I'm certain of it. But it's not as though I can pull the curtain over my eyes and ignore it. Why? I dunno.
Mortality has become an even bigger issue since the car accident. It's been nearly 3 months and I still can't get in a vehicle, driver OR passenger without hesitation, and anxiety issues. It gets to the point where I find myself nauseous and dizzy anytime I see a car out of place. Will that ever subside? I sure hope so. I'm not clutching the handle on the passenger side as much as I was. Although I still don't like the idea of cars anymore. The snow doesn't help either. 12 years. 12 whole years, and not one accident, traffic incident, speeding ticket, etc. Then, one day some idiot blindly t bones you, and your world falls apart. You start thinking just how much time do I have left? I'm glad my pregnant wife and small child weren't in the car.
I come to think of it as a blessing. I got hit so they wouldn't have to. I sacrificed myself to keep them home and safe. It's the only logical explanation.
Then again...A blessing from whom? or what? maybe it was all coincidence? Whatever it was, has sent me into a turmoil of manic mood-swings, depression, anxiety, and spite.
Maybe I just need a voice. A way to carry out these despicable thoughts, with someone to listen and tell me that it's going to be okay. It's hard to speak when you're the only one listening. Spoilers: I know how it ends. People don't quite understand, and I can't say that it's pure ignorance or lack of empathy. I think people hear without listening. Most others are only concerned with themselves and their own mistakes or problems. Who knows? Maybe they've been where I am before, and gave up when nobody would listen to them?
Everybody has their own void to fill I suppose. It's hard to make time for anyone else when you're buried neck deep in your own issues. I guess it's a good thing I remembered about this blog thing. Eventually, I'd like to turn this sort of thing into a podcast. But without a solid theme, who would care to listen? If you've read this far, congrats. Thanks for choosing to spend your time with me. I enjoy the company. Somewhat.
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